i miss him the most when i miss him

20 Dec

It seems like common sense doesn’t it? But it’s the truth. On the nights where I’m down, where I’m the loneliest, when I think of him the most is when I could most use his humor, it’s when I miss him the most. Brian was one of those people who regardless of your mood could cheer you up. When you were in the best of moods he’d make you even happier, when you were upset he would talk you through it and make you laugh in the process, after an argument he had the best apologies. He was one of the few people I could say absolutely anything to and he would take it well. He could handle my confusion, he could handle my happiness and he could handle my anger and for some reason he made me able to handle sharing it. I miss him when there are those moments that I realize I’m unable to share these things anymore.  I realized last night how much trouble I have communicating now. I don’t know how to say what I feel, I don’t know how to share how I truly feel. I miss him talking me through things. Missing this makes me miss him even more.

People talk about how difficult the Christmas season can be and in the past I never understood. I’ve missed him over the last 4 months but there’s nothing quite like sitting at home on a cold winter night, listening to the wind and the snow and seeing the Christmas tree and thinking of what could have been. The what could have beens are the worst part, it’s the part that I should avoid. Who knows where Brian and I would have been today, who knows if we would have still been together or if we would be back being friends. It’s the not knowing that makes me miss him even more.

I know I’ll move on but for tonight I miss him.


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One Response to “i miss him the most when i miss him”

  1. katiewetherbee December 20, 2012 at 10:40 pm #

    Oh, dear. Grieving is such hard work. I’m so sorry you are hurting, dear Kelsey…

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